


The Revenge of the Spawn

by BexSilverthorne, theaberrantwritergirl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Canon, Bad Humor, Canon Universe, Children, Crack, Don't Underestimate the POWER of the Tutu, F/M, Foiled by a Four-Year-Old, Gen, Humor, Meddling Kids, Plot What Plot, Slight Parent Trap Spin, Unsafe Sex, Weak Pull-Out Game, Weird Plot Shit, Why You Should Use a Condom Kylo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 14:50:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17286134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BexSilverthorne/pseuds/BexSilverthorne, https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaberrantwritergirl/pseuds/theaberrantwritergirl
Summary: War! Supreme Leader Kylo Ren and the Jedi Rey are crumbling under attacks by their ruthless four-year-old daughter, Reia. There are tea sets on both sides. Pink tutus are everywhere.In a stunning move, the fiendish child has swept both of her parents into a plot that could change the fate of the galaxy.As Reia puts her plans into action, the two parents lead a desperate mission to maintain order… Kidnappings, betrayals, and changes of loyalty. Nothing is as it seems. Not when you have a three-foot Force spawn hell-bent on utter annihilation by tea party.





	The Revenge of the Spawn

**Author's Note:**

> This is the lovely crack-fic work of Bex and I one night after I spent an entire day angsting over being an uncreative writer. If you are a fan of my serious Reylo fic, [Nightshade & Sakura](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15196535/chapters/35244329), you probably know that I painstakingly formulated the plot and write that story (and you're probably used to my shitty jokes by now). 
> 
> Unlike that story, this one will likely be smutty, have very little plot, and lots of terrible jokes.
> 
> You've been warned. 
> 
> ~BEE AND BEX DO CRACK... fic~

“Daddy, why does Hux always look so angwy?”

Smiling smugly, Kylo looked at General Hux past the corridor and into the Command Room. “That’s just his face, sweetheart.”

“Daddy, why does Hux always say you’re impotent?”

That caused the smile to fall from Kylo’s face. Had his daughter just called him limp dicked? “Hux said _what?”_

“He says you are a very impotent man. And that I’m stopping you.”

Hux was bug eyed in the background, clutching his throat as the Force itself choked the life out of him. Hux flailed his arms, swinging them in a gesture that screamed, _Lies! All Lies, Great Supreme Leader! The child is toying with you._

Kylo blinked, thought about it for a moment. “Reia, do you mean important?”

“Yeah, impotent.” Reia stared back, straight faced. “That’s what I said, daddy. Why's he smiling?”

Hux dropped to the ground, heaving in deep breaths. But Kylo didn’t miss the smile curling onto the General's face.  _Sick fuck..._

“Are you okay, Huxxy?” Reia patted the top of his head.

Kylo scrubbed his face and sighed. She would be the death of him. Or at least she’d be the death of his crew.

“You can’t have tea dwessed like that!” Reia put her hands on her hips, the exact mirror of her mother’s annoyed facial expressions. “You have to wear it!”

He looked to the garment and then back to his daughter, praying to the Force that she wasn’t being serious. Kylo felt the gazes of his crew and wished that Reia had picked a better time to suggest a wardrobe change.

“Maybe later,” he whispered.

“Daddy.” Reia tilted her head to the side, bottom lip sticking out. “You promised.”

“I know, sweetheart. But daddy’s Supreme Leader. My men won’t respect me. Don’t you want them to respect me?” He gestured to the command room across the corridor and held up the tiara to his face. “See? Not a good look. Why don’t you dress up BB8?”

BB8, appointed by Rey to watch over Reia while she was with Kylo, turned his beady eye in terror and froze. The last time Reia played with BB8, she had pulled apart his gyroscopic stabilizer which had BB8 dragging his head across the ground for weeks.

Reia stomped her foot, the frills on her new pink booties shaking in defiance. “You promised!”

Foiled by a four-year-old with a temper that could destroy planets. It didn’t help she looked mostly like her mother too, insisting to wear those stupid three buns. And she didn’t want a droid doing her hair. Oh no, not his daughter. It had to be _him._ One time Rey had reluctantly spent an hour teaching Kylo in a safe meeting location, snickering under her breath every time his daughter’s fine black hair slipped from his grasp. Reia had made him wear a tiara then too.

Kylo sighed and placed the tiara on his head. “Happy?”

A large smile creeped onto Reia’s face, all baby teeth showing. “I want mommy to see you! She’d wuv it.”

Kylo sighed again, his mind wandering to Rey. Nowadays, they had agreed to hand Reia off through officials and guards. Less painful and easier to keep quiet, especially as he still saw her occasionally through their Force Bond. “You know that’s not possible, sweetheart. Mommy and I are enemies.”

“Enenmonies?” Reia whispered. “Why?”

“Enemies. I told you, sweetheart.”

“But why?”

Kylo scrubbed his face. She always begged Kylo for Rey to come stay with them. How did you tell a four year old that you fantasized and dreamed about decimating the faction of beings that her mother worked so hard to protect, and that if it came down to it, he’d add Rey to that number?

Children. No wonder Leia and Han had left him to his own devices. He was starting to see it now.

“We just are,” Kylo said, caressing her hand.

Reia shrugged her shoulders and picked up her tea cup from the play table, water slinging across the floor. “You have to wear your mask! Then put the tiawa on your head.”

"Fine,” he breathed, rolling his eyes once the mask shielded his face. “Happy?”

“You look so pwetty, daddy! But you need uh, uh tutu, too.” Reia fiddled with the pink tutu she was wearing. “Or we can’t have a tea party.”

Kylo sighed deeply, the sound mechanical through his mask. “Do I have to?”

“Yeah!”

Kylo pulled the second tutu out of the drawer and stepped into it, one heavy boot at a time, hoping he didn’t rip it at the seams as he pulled it over his black cloak. Reia would probably pitch a fit like the last time when Hux had accidently stepped on one of her dolls, and Kylo would likely lose a limb ( _that_ was a family tradition Kylo was determined to end). She had demanded Hux bend down to pick it up and say he was _sowwy._ And the imbecile fell for it. Kylo watched, Corellian whiskey in hand, as Reia dragged Hux by the ear to the next departing ship and demanded he replace her doll or she would sick Chewie on him.

Mitaka rushed in, hands behind his back. “Supreme Leader. We have located a Resistance ship! A star cruiser, sir. Shall we fire?”

 _Could Rey be on that ship?_ It had been a regular thought for Kylo every time they found an outlying Resistance craft. Normally she stayed on Ahch-To (a place Kylo _still_ hadn’t found, the damned woman), and Reia, while spending most of her time there, had no idea other than it had _big monsters, daddy, with boobies like mommy!_ Kylo had blocked out _that_ thought. The feeling of Rey’s flesh against his, elastic, warm. The heat of the fire, the orange glow. Her shallow gasps. The night Reia was conceived, before they’d overthrown Snoke together, before Rey had _betrayed_ him. Apparently Kylo’s pull-out game wasn’t as strong as he had thought.

“Stay with her,” he ordered two of his guards standing by the door. This was his chance, his next true chance to deal a blow to the Resistance.

“Where?” he snapped, looking to the holoscreen.

Mitaka gulped, tapping his fingers on the datapad. “There, sir.”

Kylo watched the tiny image of the ship come closer to their coordinates. Reaching out with the Force, he felt nothing but the strong lingering presence of his daughter. “Fire as soon as they’re in range.”

"Um, Supreme Leader."

"What?!" Kylo snapped, looking over to Hux who held up his hands in a sign of surrender.

"Your tiara's a little crooked, sir."

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. *adjusts Kylo's tiara*


End file.
